#Five nights at candys 3 demon windows#

You are a good person.' I Google searched characteristics of murderers to prove I was not one. I would repeat silent mantras over and over: 'You are not a psycho-killer. Each time invisible gore splattered in my field of view, I would retreat to a restroom stall, the color drained from my face, and pull my hair until the pain distracted me from the bad thoughts.

#Five nights at candys 3 demon windows#

Still, it didn't stop me from straining to close the metaphorical windows by any means necessary. I relate the experience to a pesky pop-up window-close one, and a hundred more appear. The harder you try to make the thoughts stop, the stronger they come on. It was easier to be a Carrie Bradshaw, after all, than a Carrie.ДЄlthough everyone experiences troubling thoughts-85 percent of the non-OCD population admits to having violent thoughts on occasion-when they happen to someone with an obsessive brain like me, the outcome is persistent and paralyzing. I explained away my perpetually unattached state as a means for exploring my options and having fun. And brunch with a new friend never failed to end in broken Mimosa glasses and a bloodbath. Fashion week reporting resulted in imagining a stiletto heel plunged into a model's eye. Coffee with a coworker led to visions of me throwing a scolding-hot matcha latte in their face. I am a hopeless romantic, so date nights were a particular trigger, but the onslaught didnвЂ™t stop there. In my case, this translated to full-blown Tarantino musings-with a millennial slant-and they could strike at any time or place, often targeting the things I most value. Who is this girl, Dexter with blonde balayage? It's a fair question, and one that I posed to myself many times, but in actuality I was struggling with what I had yet to understand as Harm Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, a form of OCD in which you are flooded with intrusive thoughts or fears of hurting those around you.Д«y definition, intrusive thoughts are unwelcome, involuntary thoughts or images that are violent or inappropriate in nature. What if you lost all control and in one swift motion, you ended this poor guy's life? What's to stop you, Jessica? It is not totally out of the realm of possibility. You see, whenever I awoke to find a man innocently slumbering beside me, my mind always alerted me to the fact that if I wanted to, I could kill him. More specifically, my violent, murder-y thoughts. Whether I recovered my candy-colored Hanky Panky underwear depended not on how lightly Guy X snoozed, rather how quickly I stirred another sleeping giant-my thoughts. In the rare instance that I did sleep over somewhere, I would inevitably jolt upwards at 5 a.m., panic-stricken, and scavenge for my belongings in the dark.